For My Daughter, My One and Only – Only One!

I am so honoured and thrilled to be a guest blogger, as well as a proud member of the RKM foundation.  

I remember being class monitor for a few grades in high school and ultimately becoming the president of student council. My approach at the time was never to be bossy or condescending {well that was not me}, and I felt that the best way to communicate and get classmates to listen to me was through respect – I respect you and it works the other way around too. It was so important to me, I had a reputation to maintain and I wanted to keep it positive, no problems, and no complaints.  So, I did my best to set an example and be a role model and I think it worked pretty well.

Here I am today, a mother and a wife. I feel that I have to be the best and STRONGEST positive influence for my eight year old daughter.  My husband and I work very well together as a team - we teach, we encourage, we advise, we criticize, we correct, we don’t spoil, we don’t submit, we punish, and we love her.  Most of the times I’m so busy and determined to inculcate, and I see that it works - she displays good manners and behaviour, and teachers and friends even compliment her constantly. This does not faze me, this is how it is supposed to be, she does not have a choice, I was raised this way and the tradition will go on regardless of where we live. I told her that good manners and respect can take her anywhere around the world. What I have realized is that the most humbling, beautiful part of this process is that I also learn from her. These are the moments that I savor; these are the moments that resonate with me.

I am not a perfect parent.  I often lose my cool and patience, and even forget that I have to be the role model, not just for some things but for everything.  I apologize, I admit that I am wrong; we move on, it happens again, I feel guilty, because she is extremely forgiving, grasps concepts quickly, and adapts all while still giving me unconditional love.  Little humans are just plain amazing! It’s been eight years of continuous learning as I struggle and falter as a parent who wants nothing more than to make sure this growing mini me is safe, resilient and understands the importance of good behaviour, discipline, good values and morals.

Apart from the do as I say, you must respect your parents, no questions, no talking back, I respect her too, but what is the real approach - the unsuspecting, undetected, root approach? It is simple. It is her heart.  Teaching her to have a heart and extracting those feelings and emotions that drive everything else – the love, the forgiveness, the conscience, and the actions.  l strategically try  to open her eyes, build awareness and teach her what it means to have a heart. 

Even though she has seen my faults and know that I am not perfect, she still tries to emulate some of my positive traits and is always so impressed with my art work and various little projects “Oh mommy this is so beautiful!” Instantly inspired, she immediately gets busy re-creating her version of my creation. It surprises me every time and I am just so happy that she is so proud that I am, according to her and what she tells her friends, “a great artist”!

We always have our daily discussion about what happens at school – the girls’ politics and the observed behaviour.  She is not allowed to report on others and exclude herself.  This is usually a good time to check on her use of discretion, that she’s being considerate of feelings and respecting her peers. These are great discussions because she’s allowing me to get to know her better as she grows into herself and how she deals with certain situations when I am not around.  She relieves my worries by confirming that she’s trying to be and do her best according to what she learns from home and even at school. I know that her heart is healthy and is the very thing that controls her and makes her, HER. It is my key to her, it is the ears that listen, the eyes that see and brain that comprehends all the positive nourishment necessary for her growth.

She is enthusiastic about the purpose of the RKM Foundation, that toys and books are collected and given to the children who need it in Jamaica. She is proud to know that her unused toys, clothes and shoes are either sent home to my family who are poor in Jamaica, or donated the Veteran’s Organization.  She loves to recount the time she and her father went to McDonald’s and bought a meal for a homeless person.  She insists that when she grows up she wants to help the poor and also be an artist. I tell her that she still has plenty of time to think about what she will pursue when she’s older. I think her father and I may have a strong influence here – we are always creating or building something at home so the creativity is contagious. We are always telling her not to take things for granted and to consider herself fortunate and privileged to enjoy some of the things a lot of children in the world cannot, even foods that she does not like – wasting is not an option.

She’s my breath of fresh air, a different perspective, yes I was a kid too but our experiences are different, but she does not know that I am learning from her as much as I want her to learn from me, and she does not know how much she impresses me. For instance, we were driving to swim practice and there is usually a homeless guy limping by the cars as they exit the highway. I remember giving him an extra juice box we had taken with us a few months prior, but just this week as we sat stationary waiting for the light and we saw him she told me that she had packed an extra juice box just for him! WOW – did you really? “Yes Mommy I did!” 

How rewarding is that! She is my best creation and work in progress that I am most passionate about, stepping back from time to time to admire - observing and absorbing the things I can’t see while I compose- and invest  the love and time to keep working on it.

Kerry-Ann Chin